November 12th, 2013
|10:25 am - Who authorized this?|
I have a habit of only posting on my livejournal when things are going pretty badly, because I am at home then and want to keep track of things. But right now a lot of stuff is going much better than it has been for a while.
1. I think I finally won brain-meds roulette. It seems that I have pretty bad luck with psych medications and their side effects. ie: Wellbutrin, which ought to be the best one for folks who have depression plus anxiety plus attention issues, made me cry for a week straight back in '04. Effexor made me loopy, panicky, sick, so tense it was painful, and briefly suicidal. A normal dose of Lexapro (10 mg) turns me into an emotionally numb sexless insomniac who can't be bothered to eat, has the attention span of a gnat, and freaks out every time someone slams the door.
No meds were causing me to constantly worry about whether getting ticketed or whether everyone hated me, plus doing anything took gobs of effort. Cutting my dose to 5 mg against the suggestion of my (moderately incompetent) psych has thus far allowed me to be a mildly distractable person with a lot more energy. I washed and hung up my laundry this morning without a half hour break in between. I had a terrible day on Sunday and it hasn't ruined the rest of the week. I'm still not highly functional, but I haven't been this clear-headed in years. I am suspicious...
2. I've done more art this year than I have in yonks. This is largely due to having a very enthusiastic commissioner, but it's still been really nice. There are many issues that I still have to deal with (indecision and fear when doing anything that's not a commission keep me paralyzed) but for once it feels like I might be able to do something about that.
3. Slowly developing the rudiments of a social life. Awkwardly and mostly as a peripheral to other people's, but when I do go out, much less time is devoted to being terrified and convinced everybody wants me to go away. Also no crying afterward!
4. Trying to turn into more of a positive person that people can actually like. Focusing on the negative is easier and safer, but positive people are more fun and have more fun. This is a long haul, but having a little more energy makes it easier to actually pay attention to how I am phrasing stuff.
5. This is much less important, but I have tiny rats. They are adorable and almost big enough to put into the cage with the big boys (they need to get fat enough not to fit between the bars first). Living things are pretty cool. Also very sniffy.
I am still basically a hobbit and it is still winter, but maybe this year's hibernation can be a happy one and not that of an angry badger.
Current Mood: awake
October 29th, 2013
|12:58 pm - Still wrestling with brain chemistry - have some distracting pictures!|
On meds attempt number two and beginning to despair for a number of reasons I won't enumerate here because I don't have them completely figured out. Getting about 4 to 6 hours of actual sleep per night is further complicating the attempt to actually do that. I am tempted to give up and go back to relying on exercise and coffee.
I have, however, been doing more things than I usually manage in October. One of them was going to the Griffin's Needle 24-hour costuming event in Madison. ( HereCollapse )are some photos of me being very tired and sewing things.
Current Mood: exhausted
October 7th, 2013
|09:55 pm - On being an adult|
Today I wrote around 12,000 words, because you don't fuck with deadlines, even when your brain is running out your ears.
Now I get mulled cider with rum in and a day off.
Current Mood: accomplitired
October 4th, 2013
|04:11 pm - I see that this is going to be one of THOSE years|
Somehow it has become October without my consent. I am not entirely sure how this happened. This means that it is time to get out the Searing Blue Light of Functionality. Honestly, I should have had it out weeks ago, but it's been hectic.
Went to other doctors to try to manage my crazy. Left with Effexor prescription and without several vials of blood. The former was a very bad idea; let us simply say that Effexor is not for me, and that I am very happy to be able to stand up properly again and relax my muscles. If any of you guys do not have horrible issues with this med and happen to use the 75mg generic capsule, you should give me a poke. I will not be putting it in my body again.
Unfortunately, the person who gave it to me is not getting back in contact, which is very frustrating. I feel that she ought to at least be notified that I'm not on it anymore, and also I would like her to please suggest something else. I seem to have tremendously bad luck with brain meds.
In a fit of unnecessary optimism, I paid my entire estimated tax burden at once this year. Technically, I could wait until December to pay off a quarter of it, which is what I ought to have done. Now juggling work and bank transfers to make up for the foolishness of Past Grace.
Fat free diet has me literally dreaming about doughnuts and pizza, specifically about being surrounded by them at social gatherings and not being able to eat anything. That said, I have managed to find a reasonable number of tasty things over the course of the last month. I am just disappointed by being unable to butter them.
I also have two small new fuzzbutts around the house. The local humane shelter got 18! ratbabies in and I took home a pair of the most social boys. They are as yet unnamed but are Very Excited by everything.
Now back to writing cookbook introductions. This has been your "I don't want to work" interlude.
Current Mood: complicated
September 29th, 2013
|08:47 pm - Five things make a post|
1. Surgeon is definitely overcautious. I can eat around 2 to 3 grams of fat per meal without any issues whatsoever. This still keeps me from actually eating almost any prepared food, but makes things suck a little less.
2. Kava kava is a fail for me. Does not reduce anxiety, has bonus of making me woozy and sick.
3. The weather is fantastic and I want to frolic in it forever. I might, however, need to place a new Sock Dreams order.
4. Serious self worth problems of late. Attempting to fix them via ripping apart my closet and throwing a lot of stuff away. Am avoiding thinking about the enormous amount of work I have queued for next week.
5. Have eaten more cocoa krispies than appropriate. Send milk.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Jetho Tull: Baker Street Muse
September 17th, 2013
|05:47 pm - Can we fast forward to next year yet?|
Consultation with surgeon today. He is adamant that I should not eat anything with -any- fat in until the nebulous time of gallbladder removal. Staff was gently baffled by the idea of lacking insurance.
One of the nurses suggested getting a part time job on top of freelancing to get benefits. I could not even begin to explain to her all the things that were wrong with that concept.
September 6th, 2013
|12:48 pm - So I went to the ER last night|
Because I had what appeared to be the very worst case of heartburn, for about 8 hours straight. Apparently the real issue was in fact gallstones. I don't have any kind of infection or anything, so they would like me to avoid fat in general until I can get surgery. As I am a freelancer, that's not going to be until the ACA insurance kicks in during January.
Till then, it's going to be a lot like all those ill-advised fat free diets during the 90s. This could be tricksy, because basically everything I eat is on the "no" list.
Currently: Groggy and wobbly, almost like I was in the ER till 5 am and then put on Vicoden. Interesting discovery of the night: Morphine makes me wobbly, but otherwise does not work on me. Will be working from bed today.
Current Mood: tired
August 29th, 2013
|10:10 am - Augh|
So I've been waiting a month to get to see an affordable doctor about the fact that my anxiety levels are through the roof and I'm exhausted all the time. It has been a really bad time trying to get to this appointment. They just cancelled on me.
This is going to be a pretty crappy day.
Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: Don't Starve
August 27th, 2013
|06:16 pm - Apollo|
Finished this one up on Sunday, only just posting it because I have quite the queue.
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: some sort of Russian group playing Celtic folk
August 26th, 2013
|12:04 pm - Lazy posting continues lazy|
But here's a Tumblr link to some of the recent RPG art I did this year, now that GenCon is past and I can safely post it.
In other news, this is a doozy of a summer.
Current Mood: stressed