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November 11th, 2009
10:34 pm - Art and mood charting
Working on a piece that's a little too hard for me again. We'll see if I can accomplish what I'd like, or if I mess it up halfway through. It's like juggling rats. So far, so good, but they're so -squirmy-! And I know I'm going to drop one any minute now.
Sleep schedule is rotating back - I'm going to bed anywhere between 9 and 11 most nights, though I was up till 11:30 last night. This seems absurdly early, but it's enabling wakeup times around 8 to 8:30, so it's worth it. The extra sunlight is making a difference.
Of course, after dark I'm prone to lunatic beliefs, severe self doubt and big, dramatic cases of the hacks. So far I've not done too much that I oughtn't. Tonight hasn't been bad. I'm trying to get this painting done before the con, and I had a brief manic period that allowed for a lot of painting. Perhaps I must simply keep myself busy. Having time to kill seems to be a real problem.
Must do laundry before the con and hopefully tidy a bit. Housework has been terrible, and I've been eating so much boxed stuff. There's breakfast cereal in my house now. How bizarre is that? Daily monitoring is now required to make sure I eat a non-starchy, non-allium vegetable instead of living on shredded wheat, bagels and potatoes with egg. Caffeine intake is unnecessarily high. But - writing work is getting done and I've done more art in the past month and a half than I did in most of the previous year, so it's not entirely a loss.
Progress art up on the other journal again.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sad.gif) drained
Current Music: Corvus Corax - Fortuna
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October 27th, 2009
10:03 pm - For Posterity
Depression charting under cut. ( Read more... )
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/blank.gif) blah
Current Music: Abney Park - Child King
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October 20th, 2009
01:12 pm - Today is A Very Hard Day
I wasn't going to write about it, but then I remember that depression charting remains a priority. I'm moving slowly, doing that edge of tears thing, and having a lot of motivation troubles. I'm stressed out because of various personal stuff and the fact that I haven't gotten my apartment clean yet, BUT that wouldn't be bothering me nearly as much if I weren't wonky today. Hopefully this nasty phase will cease soon, because all I really want to do is crawl into a hole with something passive (book, video game, etc) and not come out.
At least I'm getting through the work, albeit slowly. I have to call a client soon, however, and that's stressing me out a lot. I hate telephones so much.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/wideeyed.gif) anxious
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September 27th, 2009
08:55 pm - By way of apology and update
I'm having an assortment of issues at the moment, notably fall depression coming on strong and my big computer monitor being on the fritz. So art has stalled a little and I haven't replied to a number of you in email. I'm sorry about that - I'll respond again as soon as I'm up to it.
In other news, I'm boiling wool and walnuts, and I had a good dinner with people. Work tomorrow sounds exhausting.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Delilah
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September 15th, 2009
10:37 am - Grrr...motivation
I've had some really productive days recently. I'm on nearly a week of getting all my articles done in 3 to 4 hours, and having spare time to do Other Work. Over the weekend, I turned out the lineart for three illos a day. I've sewn, done laundry, cooked and done some tempera work on the side, plus having energy to run errands and go walkies.
Eventually there had to be a crash, and it was part of yesterday. When I finished my writing for the day, I had not much interest in doing anything else. Today I'm unmotivated and "itchy" - uncomfortable in my skin, feeling like my apartment is too small and everything is in the way, and that I can't possibly work unless it's clean. But, no motivation to clean. Stupid brain.
Bitching aside, I'm only mildly depressed, so I'm going to eat some food and see if I can't churn through the word mines in four hours again, and then make myself do some of this cleaning that's got me so twitchy. Then, errands, finalizing an illustration (did one yesterday and had to quit because there were "you've used your stylus too long" warnings coming from my wrist, and I want to avoid RSIs lots.) and if I'm lucky, I'll have enough energy to do art.
Because the only cure for the donwannas is faking it, and I'm really quite nearly functional these days. Whee!
Current Mood: blargh
Current Music: Saltatio Mortis - Salz der Erde
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September 1st, 2009
11:20 am - The dying of the light
Well, it looks like fall's hit, for better or for worse - even if it gets to be 80 again shortly, my eyes have started telling me that the light is fading too quick and starting too late. I'm waking up at ten instead of nine because the lighting in my apartment has changed, and it's full dark by a little after 7:30.
For the past two days, I've woken up in minor despair, with the desire to keep on sleeping, and it's been difficult to get myself going. I've been down and somewhat angry since the last week of July, which is completely situational. This is new and different.
This is annoying. It's only September. That's supposed to be summer's last gasp, and here I am having to winterize myself.
Winterizing is this year's new concept. Rather than simply dreading the dark coldness, I shall attempt to create conditions and expectations that will result in the least misery. This weekend, I'll be buying ultra bright, white CFLs for my ceiling lights, and possibly a lamp timer that'll turn on the light at 9 am to get me out of bed without making me hyperventilate (which alarms now do).
Going to lower expectations on what to get done and how much advancement I'm going to be able to manage for various skills. The goal is to maintain something similar to my current quality of life this winter. It probably won't quite stay up that well, but there shall be Rules.
To steal a term from Elizabeth Bear, I shall be going on the Discipline. She uses it to refer to eating such that her body wants to make muscle and not fat. I'm using it more as a set of rules that will make sure I am a functional, reasonable human being.
( Winterizing and the Discipline detailed here for my own reference, but probably not of interest to most )
In other news, I made toffee last night. It is really, really good, and now I don't want to buy Werthers anymore. I must, however, do something about the fact that it cools with many tiny bubbles in it. If you are avoiding chewing the toffee for the sake of your teeth, they're murder on the tongue.
With this written, I'm going to head off and get my first article started, in order to have at least one done before noon. Then breakfast and cleaning.
Stupid winter.
Current Mood: industrious
Current Music: Rabenschrey
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June 7th, 2009
10:55 pm - Oh, thank goodness
I've been weird and out of sorts all day - frustrated, blah, etc. It's only been getting worse, and I can't really get much work done, though I did turn the bread shrapnel into bread pudding. And then I read a webcomic and started weeping.
It's just some kind of brain glitch - hooray!
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Styx
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October 6th, 2008
08:10 pm - It's only a couple hundred dollars
Why should I say that? Because what's wrong with my car could easily have cost me thousands - the computer went. Pretty much everything in my car is controlled by that computer, so that means that the fuel tank, water pump, and several other things were quite shot as well. The warranty is covering it all, other than a 100 dollar deductible. The rest is replacing filters, changing my oil, squirrel nest removal and a few other things. So I'm relatively lucky. Ought to have the car back by Wednesday. *tiny party*
Currently very stressed, but much work to do, so it's gotta take a back seat. Especially since I don't exactly know why I'm stressed. Meh - so it goes. Most stuff's going okay, though - still have a few things to set right in the apartment. Of course, they're the hard ones. :) Off to the word mines with me!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sob.gif) lonely
Current Music: Mediaeval Baebes - E Volentieri
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July 1st, 2008
09:12 pm - Through adversity, we shall bake
I have, I realize suddenly, developed a habit of angst-baking. When I am none too comfortable and feeling anxious, I cook, and work on the kitchen. I am somewhat dismayed that this has not translated to sorting my belongings or painting, instead, because there is a limit to the amount of food that one house can hold. This is, however, why dinner tonight is fresh salad, spicy black bean, rice, and kale soup, and there will be fresh bread. Now to convince my brain that these efforts are better spent fixing garb, working on overdue commissions, or writing for pay.
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Clannad - Na Buachaillí Álainn
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April 23rd, 2008
01:20 am - Taking the crazy out for a walk
Been a loon again, cranky and cynical, and prone to bouts of weeping. I wish I could figure out why. Slept a lot this afternoon, due to a severe headache, so I'm up later than I ought to be. Going to try to do a bit of actual work before sleep, to make up for not doing much earlier in the day. First, however, my new chair:
( World's Best Chair )
Current Mood: weary
Current Music: Ramones - Blizkrieg Bop
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December 19th, 2007
10:48 am - I put this up at Brass Goggles, but I suppose I could put it up here, too
What I wore to club the other night.( Read more... )
Current Mood: exanimate
Current Music: The Velvet Underground - Heroin
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November 30th, 2007
03:44 pm - After Some Consideration: Angst
It's not a good idea to feel restricted from posting here, regardless of the content, because I think I'm going to offend someone. So, what I think I'll do is make Ye Olde Angst Filtre. After all, I already have a filter for other offensive content. Comment here to be added (I reserve the right not to add you if I'm scared of you), and remember: please don't be mean. If I'm posting under that filter, I'm probably already in a bad way. Doesn't mean you gotta agree with me, of course.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/yawn.gif) tired
Current Music: The Cruxshadows - Defender
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November 29th, 2007
03:58 pm - Pretties!
I know you creatures haven't heard much from me for a while, and I'm afraid that's like to continue. I compose entries in my head, but never write them, cause who wants to hear me angst? Perhaps sometimes when things are a bit better (combo of depression and actual real problems).
But, I did need to tell the world this.
I have a new art hero: http://kiriko-moth.com/
Her stuff goes very nicely with the direction my digital work has been going. So, someone to crib off who's not Ursula Vernon or Stephanie Law.
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Dropkick Murphys - Victory
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November 13th, 2007
01:22 am - Day Not Found: Abort, Retry, Fail?
I am going to bed. I hearby call for Monday to be replaced with a day containing smaller to zero quantities of all these things:
Vehicles that try to run me over, closed financial institutions, missing debit cards, weeping, shouting, neuroses, missing friends, cat feces.
Really, the curry and Russian movies are all that can argue for it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/annoyed.gif) cranky
Current Music: rats eat food!
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October 8th, 2007
03:31 pm - Uff. Been silent too much lately
The failing of the light is starting to get to me. Motivation is slipping, and I'm not prone to post much. The real evil, of course, is that it's not even getting cooler, despite getting dark at 7. I demand that we reboot October and get it right the next time.
Since I've been terribly unmotivated, I've needed to fall back on a system of bribery to get work done. That's right, folks - my work ethic is based on graft. Though, in this case, the illegitimate gains needed to make me work are ten minutes of video gaming in exchange for a paragraph, or a session spent researching period gowns in exchange for getting base color down on an illustration. Or, this Livejournal entry.
Unrelated discovery. While I was living out of a bag, and all my clothes were packed, I had to do laundry about every five days. Now I have more clothes. I think I liked it the other way. Might be time for yet another purge, which will once again cause all the more mainstream folks to look at me oddly. At least, that was the result of my thinking ownership of five pairs of shoes to be ridiculously decadent on my part. I think that broadcloth skirts might be repurposed into linings for other garments.
Had insomnia last night, due to a bout of anxiety over some totally sane (and relatively low) prices I'd sent a client. I need to teach my subconscious that I am allowed to charge fair rates. Keeping me up till 5 am is not an acceptable response. This fact might explain why this entry lacks coherence somewhat.
Anyhow, off to the word mines.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Oingo Boingo - Pictures of You
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